


Ease My Mind

by MorningSun



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-14 16:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21018602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorningSun/pseuds/MorningSun
Summary: When Payton can't seem to get over a writer's block, he decides to take a walk around NYC, which stirs up some old memories. There is something that's been left unsaid for too long and after a few odd encounters, Payton is finally ready to say it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't expect to like the Politician nearly as much as I did, but alas...  
I started writing this late at night when I couldn't fall asleep.

Payton was staring at the blank page in front of him. He was about three hours late to finish writing his next campaign speech for the next morning’s interview with a local NGO. He also had to finish at least two essays for university and post something inspirational on his social media accounts.

Alice, who had been curled up on Payton’s bed with a book, stood up and came to stand behind him.

“You’re so wound up,” Alice said, massaging his shoulders, “It might be wiser for you to get James to help you with this.”

“He has his own things to worry about right now,” Payton turned down her suggestion.

He knew that if he asked, James would most likely push everything else aside and help him, sacrificing his own academic success. Payton also knew that James would very likely see that sacrifice as worthwhile if it meant their campaign grew stronger. But there was something about _getting_ James to do something that reminded him so much of the life he used to lead, the person he used to be that it frightened him. The Payton Hobart who saw everything and everyone as either a tool or an obstacle, who could always find an angle to work, who manipulated the people around him for his own good. The version of himself he had to leave behind in order to feel anything at all. The version that was so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t notice River was suicidal.

Payton couldn’t _get_ James to do anything. He would not.

“The campaign means as much to the rest of us as it does to you, Payton. He’ll understand,” Alice told him the obvious. Of course, she knew that Payton had already made up his mind anyway.

The emptiness of the page was beginning to seem almost aggressive. Payton stared at it some more, then, to keep his head from exploding, pushed away from the table and stood up, reaching for his coat.

“Are you going somewhere?” Alice asked, frowning. Things hadn’t exactly been smooth between them the second, or technically, third time around, since she left her fiancé at the altar to come to Payton. They hadn’t yet talked about what that meant for them. Partly, because Payton was actively trying to avoid having that conversation, in case what Alice had to say was that she’d made a mistake.

“Yes. I need to get some fresh air if I’m ever going to get over this writers’ block,” Payton sighed. Alice nodded. He stepped closer to her and planted a quick kiss on her forehead, “Don’t wait up.”

“Promise me I don’t have to worry about you,” Alice held onto his arm. Payton smiled faintly.

“I promise,” he said.

For a while, Payton walked without stopping. He had no destination in mind. Then again, that had kind of been his way of life for the past few years – something he was actively trying to change. More precisely, had to change, since now he had a clear-cut destination again. That was good. Payton needed a destination. He thrived when he had something to strive for. But he also didn’t want to revert to the human-machine he once was. Payton knew that to everyone else he’d seemed pathetic for the past three years, but he had also felt more honest than ever.

Payton was anxiously pacing around his room, throwing the occasional glance outside the window. It was stupid and childish. He knew that. River was coming today.

What was there to be so nervous about? He never got this wound up before any of his dates with Alice. That particular aspect Payton refused to think about. As far as he was concerned, it was a non-issue. A completely irrelevant detail that wouldn’t even make the final draft of his future autobiography.

***

“Hi,” River said, stopping at the door to Payton’s room. The latter almost jumped. He hadn’t seen him walk into the house and up the stairs and now he was here and that alone made Payton weary. Something about them being alone together made it seem like the rest of the time he was holding his breath.

“Hello,” Payton responded, pulling himself together, “How are you?”

“Good,” River said with a smile. He was looking at him intently, “How are you?”

“I’m ok. Nervous,” There he was – saying everything that crossed his mind as always.

“Why?” River ducked his head slightly to one side as if whatever Payton was about say would be the greatest achievement of modern oratory.

“Because it always seems like you’re actually listening to what I’m saying.”

“Does that scare you?”

“No. Not that.” Payton realized he had invited another question with those last words. A question he hadn’t even asked himself and hoped River wouldn’t ask now.

He didn’t.

“Should we start?” River asked instead, raising up his right arm with the Mandarin textbooks

Payton nodded.

***

A car horn pulled Payton out of the memory. He had nearly stepped in front of it. Payton stumbled back a few steps, his heart picking up pace. He leaned against a lamppost for a few seconds.

“What are you staring at?” A drunk homeless man barked at Payton, who happened to stand directly in front of him. Payton frowned.

“Nothing, “ he said, “I almost got run over by a car two seconds ago. So, forgive me if my life is flashing before my eyes.”

“You were thinking about your girl?”

“No, actually. I was thinking about myself mostly.”

“It’s good you didn’t die then; it would be a shame to die when all you have to remember right before it is yourself.”

Payton opened his mouth, wanting to protest.

***

The phone rang about three times before River answered on the other end.

“I’m having difficulty deciding my position on the fast fashion industry,” Payton started without introductions.

“If you look at it from an eco-conscious perspective, it is quite literally destroying the planet and for what?! - tasteless knockoffs in nameless chain stores that get switched around every two weeks? Yet, from the industry perspective, any restrictions would mean that millions lose their jobs and businesses.”

“Payton?” River asked calmly. His voice felt like an anchor sometimes.

“Yes?” Payton paused.

“It’s 11 pm.”

“Were you sleeping?”

“No,” River answered. There was a short silence. “I’m happy you called.”

“Oh,” Payton said, not sure how to respond, “Anyway, I still need help. A wrong stance might alienate a third of my voter base. These things follow you around forever in the age of social media.”

“I think you’ll make the right decision.”

“That is not helping, River,” Payton sounded a tiny bit irritated. Then he reconsidered, “Why?”

“Because you always do.”

Payton laughed, “I wish that was true.”

“I think it’s true.”

“Maybe that’s why I called you.”

“I don’t mind.”

***

“Haven’t I seen you on the tv or something?” The homeless man asked. Payton wiped a single tear away from his cheek before anyone could notice.

“You might have. I’m running for the state senate.”

“Oh damn, I get why all you can think about is yourself. Politics mess with your head, man.”

“Actually, what’s messing with my head is that the last time I lead a campaign I was so ambitious, so focused, I lost the ability to have feelings to the point where a friend shot himself to death in front of me and I didn’t even cry that night.”

“Shit. Was he a good friend to you?”

Payton looked at the man, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was sharing personal details with a complete stranger.

“He was...” Payton hadn’t meant for it to come out as a question, but a _good friend_ wasn’t enough. It sounded like something one said to a stranger in a bar with sticky floors, trying to sum up their life in under 20 seconds. 

***

They had fumbled through 30 minutes of a lopsided conversation. By the end of it Payton felt he had aged 15 years.

“You’re so much better at this than I am,” he said, letting his head fall back against the armchair. River smiled.

“I guess I’m not that good a tutor.”

Payton sat back up and frowned.

“No,” he said, “That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s ok, Payton,” River added and started getting up, “I’ll see you next Thursday?”

Payton stood up. Thursday seemed a year away.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I’ll walk you out.”

They climbed down the stairs. Payton paused next to the piano. River hesitated in the hallway. It seemed like he didn’t really want to leave.

“Do you play?” River asked. The question seemed like a lifeline, the perfect excuse to stay a little bit longer. The truth was Payton hadn’t practiced in months. But he was a politician, he could always pretend, and no one would know the difference.

“Yes. I mean, sometimes. Not so much anymore. Do you?”

“A bit. I’m better with the guitar.”

“Sure, you are,” Payton said. River ducked his head to the side and drew his eyebrows together, “What? It suits you.”

“Should we play something?” River asked.

“Ok.”

“Billy Joel?”

“Right, the classics. I’ll find the sheet music.”

While Payton was shifting through the shelf, River tried to find the chords of _Piano Man_. After a few misfires, he finally landed on the right ones and started guessing at the melody by ear. Payton stopped for a moment and marvelled at the concentration in River’s face. He found the book and pulled it out from the shelf, but he didn’t go back right away. Instead, he waited until River could play most of the song without messing up.

“_It's nine o'clock on a Saturday_

_The regular crowd shuffles in_.

_There's an old man sitting next to me _

_Making love to his tonic and gin,_”

Payton started singing, walking back to the piano with the sheet music.

River scooted to the side so that Payton could sit beside him on the stool. Payton tried to improvise on the theme with little success. His fingers felt at once familiar and foreign on the keys, like meeting an old friend after a long while. River picked up the singing: “_He says, "Son, can you play me a memory, I'm not really sure how it goes_.”

Payton smiled at the sound of his voice. He joined in in harmony: “_But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man's clothes_.”

They half laughed, half-shouted the chorus, Payton added a riff from the top of the keys down to the middle.

“_Now John at the bar is a friend of mine_

_He gets me my drinks for free._

_And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke _

_But there's someplace that he'd rather be_,” Payton began the second verse, River finished it: “_He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me_

_As the smile ran away from his face_

_Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star_

_If I could get out of this place."_

“Excuse me,” Payton looked at the man one final time, “I think I’d better go now.”

“Is there something you’d still want to say to your friend?” The man asked. Payton thought for a bit and smiled sadly.

“I wish I could. More than anything. I wish I could.”

***

Right that moment the newest electric car stopped on the other side of the street and a tall, handsome, dark-haired man stepped out of it, holding a brown bag with groceries. Payton recognized him as one of New York’s _top 30 under 30_. McAfee had marked him as a potential ally in the campaign. The guy had developed a very promising healthy-living app that had held a top 5 position on the Apple Store for the past three weeks. His TED talks were a nation-wide sensation. The guy opened the back door and leaned in. Two small arms wrapped around his neck, and he pulled his toddler out of the car.

That was the life Payton sometimes imagined for River.

***

They had moved their tutoring session to the streets. Payton was finally getting better at getting the intonations right. Moving seemed to take the pressure off.

River stepped into the sunlight and became the spitting image of Superman circling the Earth after saving the day. Payton stared.

“If they’ll ever decide to do a remake of Smallville, I’ll sign you up.”

River opened his eyes and glanced at Payton.

“I might look the part, but saving the world is more in your line of expertise.”

“Thank you, I’m touched,” Payton pressed a hand to his heart, “Have you ever thought about what your _line of expertise_ is going to be? It’s rather inappropriate of me to have taken this long to ask, please don’t mention this when years down the line they interview you for the Netflix documentary about my road to presidency.”

River shook his head with a smile, looking at Payton in a way he couldn’t put down in words. Looking at him in a way that Payton himself hadn’t mastered.

“I haven’t really thought about it. Not recently, at least,” River said, staring off into the distance.

“Whatever it is, you’ll be great at it. Plus, you speak Chinese. You might ditch this entire continent, move to Monaco and live on a yacht. Of course, you’d have to come back for my inauguration ball.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

Payton had started to walk again until he found himself on Broadway, next to one of the theaters. People were shuffling out of it, giddy with excitement, having just experienced the magic of music. It brought to mind another memory. Payton kept walking.

They were driving around in Payton’s cabriolet, singing along to _Bee Gees_.

“_I’m going nowhere, somebody help me, somebody help me yeah_,” River sang in a deep voice.

“_I’m staying’ alive_,” Payton hit the high note with relative ease and felt pleased with himself for a moment.

“How come you’ve never auditioned for any of the school musicals?” River asked, breaking out of character, “Your voice is beautiful.”

Payton stole a glance sideways, dumbfounded. He still wasn’t used to...whatever this was.

“Umm, maybe because then I’d want to get the lead, but since you’re always auditioning, my chances are slim. There’s no way they’d pick me for Tony if their other choice is you. And I don’t want to be stuck playing Officer Krupke.”

River smiled,

“Maybe this year,” he added.


	2. Chapter 2

“Payton?”

Payton looked up to find Astrid leaning back against a wall with a cigarette. She must have stepped out of the bar for a smoke. He had to keep himself from recoiling – an old habit.

“Hi, Astrid. I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

Astrid squinted, “Duh.”

Payton considered keeping walking. Then again this was too much of a coincidence.

“Are you thinking about him?” Astrid asked, staring Payton in the eye.

“Who?”

Astrid raised her eyebrow.

“Are you?” Payton responded with a question.

“Sometimes,” she took another smoke, “Other times I hate him for not wanting to live. Or...” Astrid looked at Payton, “for wanting to live for _you_.”

***

It was dark and they were sitting at the edge of Payton’s garden, looking up at the fireworks. It was the 4th of July and River was supposed to spend the holiday with Astrid’s family at the Hamptons. River hadn’t gone with. Instead, he’d come here. Payton got an odd sense of joy from having one-upped Astrid, even though he technically hadn’t done anything. Still, here was River, though a bit more pensive than usual.

“Did you know that the hardest color to create for fireworks is blue?” Payton asked.

“No, I didn’t.”

“It’s true, I once learned it for a Chemistry project.”

River chuckled so lightheartedly Payton was taken aback. His eyes had tiny creases around them from the smiling, his shoulders seemed more relaxed than they had been this morning. Then River looked sideways at Payton, who took just a second to deliberate his next move before reaching out and pulling him in for a kiss. It felt like plunging in cold water.

For a moment there Payton was worried he wouldn’t reciprocate. But then River put his hand on Payton’s face and kissed him back. He felt it in his entire body. It was almost scary. Still, he felt the urge to inch closer.

They kissed like that for a good while until the hand River was balancing himself on started to shake. Payton knew they would probably be better off stopping it sooner rather than later, but for once he couldn’t bring himself to think of all the possible worst-case scenarios or what everybody might think or say or do. Payton just knew that he wasn’t done kissing, and he felt a bit more emboldened than usual from having spent the entire day together – just the two of them.

Payton sat up in front of River and pulled him back by his shirt collar, relieving River’s arms from their balancing duty. River’s hands travelled up on Payton’s back, grabbing onto the muscles on his sides. Payton’s fingers were in River’s hair, on his cheeks and neck. Payton could feel River smiling under his lips. He didn’t know what he was doing.

Payton could also feel their growing erections. This was going delightfully and frighteningly out of hand. At one point, River rested his palm against Payton’s chest, where he could no doubt hear the maddening pace of Payton’s heart. The small gesture messed him up in all kinds of ways. Right here in this moment Payton could set aside his endless worries of his sociopathic tendencies. He was far from _unfeeling_. In fact, he felt with somewhat painful intensity.

Their kisses grew quicker and deeper. Payton knew the chances of him successfully compartmentalizing this away to some grey corner of his mind were getting slimmer by the second. They parted for a moment to breathe. Payton looked at River and realized it was a lost battle anyway. He kissed River’s cheek against the short stubble, wrapped his arms around him and pressed his nose to River’s neck.

“Do you want to go back to the house?” Payton asked quietly, wary of breaking the silence.

River brushed his thumb across Payton’s almost numb lips, making him shiver. Some of the sadness had made it back to River’s eyes like he knew something Payton didn’t or couldn’t understand.

“Do you?” He asked, as always, giving him a way out. Payton was grateful for it but couldn’t accept.

“Yes,” he reassured River and kissed him again. They stood up and made their way into the dark house in silence. The moonlight was sweeping in through the windows, illuminating the floorboards. Still, Payton held on to River’s hand as he led them to his bedroom. It was better they didn’t talk lest Payton would have surely found a way to talk himself out of this. He didn’t know what he was doing. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to do it. He just knew he wanted to.

They stopped next to Payton’s bed. He was shaking a little bit. River put his arms on Payton’s shoulders to steady him.

“Payton?”

Payton shook his head. There were things a person couldn’t explain. He put his hand over River’s heart, mimicking his earlier motion, and found it too was racing. Payton’s lips parted in a quiet surprise. River looked down and let his forehead rest against Payton’s. Payton felt River smiling again in the most non-assuming of ways. He had never seemed quite so real before. So close.

Payton leaned in and kissed the place where River’s neck met his shoulder just to feel the muscles shift under his skin. River raised Payton’s chin with a few of his fingers and kissed him on the lips. They moulded into each other again and stumbled onto the bed. Payton reached up to unbutton River’s shirt and frowned at the stubborn buttons. River broke into a smile over his efforts and reached down to help him.

“What is so funny?” Payton looked up.

“Nothing,” River shook his head. He slid his shirt off his arms and threw it on the floor. Then he took Payton’s face between his hands and kissed him slowly.

“Nothing,” River echoed, reaching down to pull Payton’s polo out of his shorts. Payton shivered and gasped under his touch, immediately feeling his cheeks blush. He quickly pulled the polo off over his head.

River took Payton’s hand in his and pressed both of their hands against his heart again. A reminder his heart was going crazy too. This time there was no fabric between their skins.

Payton let his hands wander over River’s chest and shoulders, and back. His skin was hot against his. His fingers dug into the skin on Payton’s back just as he pulled him into a kiss again and again, and again. River kissed Payton with a deep-seethed need, which clashed spectacularly with his usually calm demeanour that was beginning to chip away, revealing something Payton wasn’t sure he was invited to share.

Nevertheless, he pushed River down into his pillows, sitting down on his crotch. Both of them groaned and River softly bit on Payton’s lower lip. It was almost too much. He didn’t know how the hell he was going to keep himself from thinking about this every single moment of tomorrow and every day after that. Or maybe he was worried that he could push it so far back into his mind it would be as if it never happened at all. Maybe that was scarier. _What sort of person could do that?_

***

“I don’t think...” Payton began, but Astrid cut him off.

“Look, Payton, I’ve had as much time as you have to think about it. And here’s what I’ve got,” Astrid took another long smoke and exhaled, “We both liked to have River in our lives for the same reason - he believed that we were or at least could be better than who we were at the time. He didn’t just say it either, he really believed it. I know it because I took every chance I got to try to prove him wrong and watched how he’d react, waiting for some sort of realization to dawn upon him. It never did. So, when we were alone and there was no one else there to object, it was as if I actually was that better version of myself.”

“Do you really think it was my fault?” Payton asked.

Astrid frowned.

“That night when you came to his house...”

Payton saw the exact moment Astrid remembered.

“Yes,” she said, “And no. It was your fault, it was my fault, it was the world’s fault. It was his fault too.” Astrid took another long smoke.

“Don’t forget I genuinely hated you back then, Payton,” she added, “Still kind of do.”

“Trust me, I haven’t.”

That made Astrid smile. It suited her.

“He cared for you, Payton. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why, but all your,” she stared him down searching for a good description, “_obnoxious energy_ felt to him like all was not lost in the world,” she looked at the cars in the cross-section, “Not that River ever said it to my face, but I wasn’t blind either.”

“if only I could have shut up for five seconds.”

“There’s no point in saying stuff like that, Payton,” Astrid ducked her head to the side, annoyed, “Especially to me.”

“I know, but sometimes I feel like I treated him like a _secret_, and that maybe he didn’t know that I cared for him too.”

“Or maybe _you_ didn’t know,” Astrid suggested, “And now you’re trying to reconcile that with the fact that you’ll never be able to make up for lost time.”

Payton paused for a beat, suddenly at a loss for words.

“I’ll let you think about that,” Astrid said, noticing that she wasn’t getting a response anytime soon, “My _Tinder_ date just texted anyway.”

“You’re going on a date now?”

“I’ve been on a date this entire conversation. He’s waiting for me at the bar,” Astrid clarified, throwing her cigarette bud in the nearby bin, “See ya, Payton. Go home and finish your speech.”

Payton didn’t go home yet. He went down to the river and pressed against the railing, staring down into the Hudson. The dark water reflected the city’s lights. It seemed so peaceful. While he’d been walking over here, Payton had figured there was something he still had to say. There had been for years.

‘I don’t even know if I believe in God,” he said after making sure no one could hear him, “There are so many arguments to consider, so many contradictions and unanswered questions. Besides, should I even bother with my track record? I most definitely won’t be _knock knock knocking on heaven’s door_ anytime soon.”

Payton paused with a faint smile.

“That’s a terrible joke. Utterly unoriginal. But you would have smiled... Damn it, River, I wish you’d lived. I wish I had paid attention,” he took a deep breath.

“Anyway, the point is, I figured I could believe in God for a moment and believe that there is some sort of an afterlife out there, because that is the only way I can think of to tell you what I didn’t have the chance to tell you before. Or rather I had all the time in the world but was consumed by the campaign and...It doesn’t matter now. None of it matters now. What I need to tell you is...

that I loved you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read my work :)


End file.
